The Miraculous Life

Early on even before I found out I had cancer, but could feel two little lumps in my breast I prayed for healing. I actually called on the elders of my church to come over to my house and lay hands on me and pray over me. I specifically asked that these lumps in my breast would go away and that anxiety and fear would leave my heart. You see I thought that if I did A, B and C then God would have to answer my prayer. I was taking God's word literally and I was expecting a literal healing.

I did get an answer from that time of prayer, but not as I was originally hoping. I see that now and so I can give thanks for where I am, but its hard sometimes. Its a sacrifice of praise. You see someone once told me that having cancer is the shits, and she was right. Its shitty for sure and there are really hard days. People have come up to me and said how amazing it is that I am doing so well, that I have such a positive outlook despite my bleak circumstances. Inwardly I am laughing and shaking my head. Its not me. I wanted to be healed because I wanted to avoid all this pain. But my healing would have been just a cover up for deeper sin and pain. You see I'm a mess just like everyone else. I lay in my bed in the fetal position and cry like a baby, I shake my fist at the sky and say "God why me? I don't get it??" I cry and pray for people I know who are struggling with this disease. I remember and grieve for those I know who have been taken with cancer long ago or only just a few days ago. Its all so hard.

And yet the thing that I am finding out is that even in all my sin and mess God is still choosing to use me and work through me. I was seeking and instant miracle healing, begging, crying out for it and when it didn't happen I was so disappointed. But instead of instant healing he gave me himself.  I am seeing now what a miracle this is. That Christ would come down to our sin soaked world, as a baby to then offer himself up as the perfect sacrifice so we too could become miracles. I am seeing this unfold before my eyes... how God can take a messed up person like me and teach me new truths, pour peace into my heart, and walk with me during this hard journey.

A few months back I listened to a sermon about the miraculous life. I wept as I listened to it because it so spoke to where I was and I hope that you can find a quiet time to listen to Pastor Boone and understand more clearly Christ's power and love for his people and the miracles that surround us. It brought hope to this ragamuffin to remember that even though I didn't get what I initially wanted, because of his great love for me Christ gave me himself and that's the greatest miracle I could ever ask for!

"I cannot do it alone; 

The waves run fast and high, 

And the fogs close all around, 

The light goes out in the sky; 

But I know that we two 

Shall win in the end, 

Jesus and I.

Coward and wayward and weak,

 I change with the changing sky; 

Today so eager and bright, 

Tomorrow too weak to try; 

But He never gives in, 

So we two shall win, 

Jesus and I.

I could not guide it myself, 

My boat on life's wild sea; 

There's One who sits by my side, 

Who pulls and steers with me. 

And I know that we two 

Shall safe enter port, 

Jesus and I."