Update July 9, 2016

Last time I shared I was talking about praising God even when its hard, when things around you feel dry and dark. I wish that I could tell you that after I sang a few songs I started to feel better, after I counted my blessings I felt lighter and more free, after I got busy with the things right in front of me and stopped worrying about the future I felt peace, but I didn't. I went down deeper. I gave myself permission to grieve and sorrow over what has happened to me. I broke down. I prayed through Psalm 88 and echoed Jobs cries...

Why is light given to a man whose way is hidden,

And whom God has hedged in?

For my sighing comes before I eat,

And my groanings pour out like water.

For the thing I greatly feared has come upon me,

And what I dreaded has happened to me.

I am not at ease, nor am I quiet;

I have no rest, for trouble comes.

Over the years I have prayed to really know Jesus. I've sung it ... " I want to know you more..." I'm realizing that to enter into this place of darkness, of grieving and crying out is knowing him more deeply. However, I feel such shame sometimes for being weak, surely I can't be a strong Christian if I am doubting and feeling such sadness! I am reminded that my Savior is close to the broken hearted, the lost, the grieving, the weak. I know this in my head, but to actually experience it at such a deep level is something different. 

I don't like to be in this place where I am vulnerable and weak for so long. Its got me scared and running. I graciously excepted help early on but the reality that what I'm going through may very well be life long is so crushing to me. In all honesty I am still needing help, and I don't like that one bit. I want to be self-sufficient, strong, powerful. I want to help you, I want to give back to every single person who ever did anything for me and my family. To be in a posture of humility, asking for more help after people have helped for so long is gut wrenching to me. 

My heart has gone through cycles of strength and weakness during this past year. While my friends and family were grieving over my diagnosis, I felt the Lord's strength and peace like never before. This was not strength of my own fabrication, it was truly a gift. It carried me through some of the hardest days. Now that things have calmed down, I have been given space to mourn, grieve, see the fullness of my own weakness, acknowledge it, and with the help of God, let it go...

Things that you can be praying for...

~Along with feeling emotionally drained, I have been feeling more physically drained. I currently have a cold, and ask for prayers of healing. Also one of the side affects of my medication is hair loss and I'm seeing that this is happening with me. If you saw me you probably wouldn't notice a difference but its hard for me. I think I've wrapped some of my identity in my thick, dark, Greek hair, and to see it just falling out feels like part of me is falling out... it may seem superficial and so many beautiful woman have had to loose ALL of their hair during treatments so I try to push down those feelings. Would you pray that I could find my identity more and more in Christ and not in what I look like on the outside? 

~My sweet husband bears so much stress with me being laid low, please pray for him and my children as they walk daily through all this with me. 

~We are in need of regular help with basic things like house cleaning and child care. The tricky thing is that some days I'm doing great and I'm able to get most things done, but if I'm knocked down I need more support. Please pray that Scott and I can figure out what exactly long-term help looks like for us, and that the Lord would provide exactly what we need when we need it. 

~In conjunction with treatment from my Oncologist, I have been reaching out to more holistic practitioners who can help me with long term care in supporting my whole body. I've met with someone local, but I still have a meeting in August to talk with a Dr. in CT. (our meeting was pushed back a month). Please pray that we can have discernment with which Dr. to work with. 

~I feel a great spiritual battle going on around me. Would you please take time to really pray for me? That I can withstand the attacks that the enemy is throwing at me right now. I really feel the difference when you pray. A friend prayed these verses in Ephesians over me yesterday and I'm asking would you specifically pray this verse over me too?

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family[c] in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

photo credit: Oak Gast